You Are Here...
Time Passes. Memories Fade. (Though not all).
What is left is The Story
After Donna, Life has become tedious and meaningless.
It has become flavourless.
And the Memory has gone flat.
I think I only ever got One Wish.
And it was Granted to me, the night I found my Bella Donna Strega.
My Only Love and Beautiful Friend.
Of all my wives and lovers – the one I lived longest with.
The One Who Altered the Shape of My Soul
And the One Whose Soul I Shaped, In Turn.
I painted so many pictures of Donna Ragazza. Before I ever met her.
Many of the fantasy women that appeared in my works – a queen, a vanquishing hero, a mermaid, an Angel, all bore (Almost) Donna Darkwolf’s likeness. For 40 years.
Then I found her - Only to lose her 10 glorious, and exciting years later.
Which brought me even more sorrow than the passing of Michael, Dad, Mom & Daniel.
So much heart-break in this Life Time, has not been good for me.
I dreamed Donna up. Painted fantasies of her. And then found her – only to tragically loose her.
We speak in my dreams almost every night
Some times in places we visited together
Other times in places I do not recognise.
I still feel her…
She swaying gently against me.... "Never Let Me Go - my franco... Never Let Me Go..."
On that day, all the Joy of Life went out of me.
My whole Soul, sucked out of My Body.
Since then, my only Joy in Life is my beautiful, black WOLF Mercedes Benz A170.
Everything else is a mere window-dressed, well-acted charade, or better: masquerade.
I have not done all the things on My Bucket List. At least, I got Egypt and The Pyramids.
Served out Donna’s Last Wish. To be cast upon the Timeless Sands of Egypt. Her “Beautiful Msir”.
I have never payed attention to anyone or anything that tells me it is a virtue to suffer, endure pain, humiliation, terrible sadness that can be controlled, persecution, and ordeal, relentless loss that does come with age, in order to die and be free.
My Mission is necessary…
And is planned and orchestrated in as timely, and, as in efficient a manner as possible.
In order to conclude the safe success - Of the Mission
And the long-term Program Target Objectives.
I can make no apology. Nor excuse. Nor can I excuse, or justify my action here.
As my Donna Strega said, when she saw how I did things around the house or garden:
“You might have left the Army. But, the Army never left you.”
So I suppose that I am still, and always… a Soldier.
‘Soldiering on’, as I always done all my Life.
I am in the Fire-Fight. The program is running.
I was given just One Wish
I finally got Donna Mia
It is about Her and the Sun
A morning run
The story of ME
What I have, and what I ache for…
“Today Is the Day”
And as they used to tell us as we were being briefed for a mission…
"You are NOT on a mission... You ARE the mission! Gear up! Look PRETTY!
It IS a Fine Day for VICTORY!"
I will sit on Donna’s bench to watch the Belt of Orion and Sirius – one final time.
My Reason for Being Out Here?
My Spirit will not be trapped amongst my Memories and confined in those three walls and vast glass panorama of Table Bay.
Over all my life, there are many Versions of M.E.
Some Versions are not as I would like them to be.
Others need polishing.
I delete all the previous failed attempts.
I am an Artist. A thousand ideas and concepts have died still-born…
So that ONE design painting may see the light.
Many died screaming, on the operating table of pencil lines and brush strokes.
Each time, only One Survived.
I am That One.
The Long-Distance Android.
Self-Aware. Autonomous. Pre-programmed Responsiveness.
Operating on its own Volition.
And I have reached the final Best Version now!
We are ALL just like this.
I, however, am always aware of this. Able to reach the deepest parts of my mind.
Cursed with endless Memory. Endless Re-call
I worship at the feet of the Greek goddess of memory: Mnemosyne
My Computer’s name is Mnemosyne.
Mnemosyne remembers everything for me. I love her. My Mnemosyne.
I am a Capricorn. A Goat destined to climb mountains.
Born, 1952, I live in the year of the Dragon.
Dragon’s make their Own Jokes! Self-deprecating. With snide, humorous and joyful abandon.
As you will recall me to be / have been / was / will always remember me to have been.
Dragons are fun. Until – they Turn to rend thee.
Do not be in the blast radius.
Let me help you here.
It is like waking up in the middle of a dream.
It is all fun and games, until someone loses an eye!
The Dream is running…
With or without Us
In a Blink -
We are lost
Wake Up! Soldier!
Get Us Out of HERE!
The sooner this is done – The sooner I can reincarnate.
And I must be back in 2031. To complete the Cycle
2053 to meet Donna again. For the third, and final time.
5 + 3 + 2 = 10 ... 1 + 0 =1
It never ends. Believe me.
There is always the Unexpected. I have always been the One You Did Not Count On.
Like a dark blue land-mine that explodes without a decent warning.
Unless you PLAN for it.
I did the second Cycle in 7 years – between 1945 and 1952.
The first Cycle took 3805 years
Dark Star Project One
On the 29th day of Tevet [October, in the Hebrew calendar] 539 BCE - Cyrus entered the city of Babylon through the Ishtar Gate.
That was the day, in 2018 that I knew “This Movie” was going to end. Like it now has.
So you should all not be saddened by the fact that I departed into The Undiscovered Country, happy in the knowledge that
I will be meeting again with my Shiny Wife, in the sunshine of some distant foreign shore.
Also, I spend long drives with WOLF, my only Joy in Life.
Drives into the country, stopping at random restaurants.
Checking into random guest lodges – testing fine food and wine. In essence – treating My Self.
I wish to make one thing Perfectly Clear – here.
My End of Life choice has nothing to do with the passing of my beautiful Donna Strega Darkwolf.
All though I think of her every day. See and speak with her in many dreams
It is not an emulation. Not a copying. I am just tired.
I have decided to take matters into my own hands – Rather than racing against Nemesis, who at my age, is breathing down my neck and snapping at my heels.
I have run as far as I can, and am sitting by the wayside.
An exhausted, heart-broken and battle-weary soldier, will end the race here.
No argument. No compromise. No negotiation.
The Donna Darkwolf was aware of her destiny, and was struggling with it.
She could not drive or park her beloved WOLF. (The name of our black Mercedes A170).
She was becoming increasingly depressed and anxious about NOT to wanting to end her days in an institute for the mentally incapacitated.
It was the reason for her occasional violent outbursts, that Vincent was aware of.
She sought her Exit. In peace and tranquillity.
In a Place, and at a Time of her own choosing.
Resolute. Determined. And with Courage.
As her Flight Lieutenant, personal “Minion”, (she loved the Minions) and “beautiful soldier”,
I was happy to ensure that she achieved her goal.
I helped her “Make It So”. With love, support and listening and understanding.
It was both my honour, and my privilege, to know The Donna Darkwolf.
Mine is The Honour!
For “One of Us”.
The last year of our life together was the happiest she had ever been, in our ten years together.
If any of you have visited Donna Darkwolf’s website – you will see this to be so.
Apart from her parents, I am the only person who spent the longest time with Donna.
Living every second of her life with her, for ten magickal years.
And living through her cycles of ecstatic joy and internal torment.
We love to gaze at Infinity. Holding hands in Silence. Gazing over the Emerald Ocean of Eternity.
Of all the Souls I have encountered in my lives, she was the most pure.
My Nefertiti. My Ma’At. My Shiny Wife.
A Flight of Angels to sing me to my Voyage across The Undiscovered Country.
If any of you want to come looking for me – I will be on Sirius VI –
A planet in the double star system of Sirius, The Dog Star.
Enjoying an Alien Beach Picnic with my Bellissima Donna Darkwolf.
After all – a Wolf is a type of Dog.
And I have always been a Silver-Tongued Wolf.
And, as you all well know.
Always a Lone Wolf.
Only partially visible. Never wholly exposed.
Never seen completely.
A fleeting movement amongst the trees.
Always a second of doubt as to what your eyes had perceived.
Just before I submerged into the shadows again.
Vanishing. Fled. Only to re-appear without warning.
|Dies Irae||“ TEN|
|Days of Wrath||“ NINE|
|Fiery the Angels rise|
|Cold thunder boils||“ EIGHT|
|Around their shoulders|
|Burning with the fires of Orc||“ IGNITION SEQUENCE...|
|Born in one passion||“ SIX|
|Beat with one heart|
|Live with one breath||“ MAIN ENGINE START...|
|Burn with one flame|
|Lightning Flashes||“ THREE|
|And in the blink of an eye||“ TWO|
|We Are||“ ONE|
The love that innocence brings and the innocence that love brings
Your innocence and love
And the light shining from your eyes
As I hold you close in this
To passions fiery culmination
Aah - Me Alma -
Salva me - salva me - salva me
Like the violent paroxysm
Of a nova brilliant fire
Of ionized plasma expanding unfurling at the speed of Light
And iridescent as your butterfly
Wings of light - so light - so light - so light -
And then we set off to build yet another and brighter memory.
One that will erase the last, in order to maintain our youth.
“Mais que nada”
One cannot keep love – nor hold it
It is only ours to give – while we still have breath -
Fiery the Angels rise -
“Don’t let go of my hand – and we will live forever”
I watch the sun come up
When there is nothing in the way
I can catch a glimpse of perfect happiness
Before it all changes
Instead of just pretending everything is great -
I play my flute:
For all the Dancing Angels
And Snakes in Baskets
Maybe some day
You will see my face at the fountain
Or hear my name on some distant mountain
From there you will be able to watch the ship of fools run aground -
Beyond the Science of your Eschatology
You have The Eschatus
And have No Other Science Before Thee
I will take my chances
We say it was, or it is, or it shall be - when in truth – all we can say about things is that they ARE -
The Sea like The Sea
The Wind like The Wind
The Stars in the Sky
In the wind on the ship a lullaby
We sailing… pass the moment of time
thru' the waters of summers end
Long ago, search for land
For there is hope if truth be there
How much more will we share
[To the sound of lapping waves against the wooden hull - the creaking of rope rigging stays, rubbing against the mast and, the billow of sail bent into the wind - the wind - the wind - ]
This was the year of crazy - Words on Paper. Images -
What IS beyond Death?
Death is just a Door Way to another realm.
A moment swiftly endured, and quickly passed
Beyond Death? Eternity?
Then just: Live. Die. Repeat? Like a school examination?
From here to Eternity, no charge for mileage!
From the cradle to the grave - no stops in between.
Well, except for a stop-over at the Italian deli, and shopping at the waterfront… and a little side detour into a couple of love affairs, and making the odd court appearance, and then there is the issue of working, which is repulsive but de rigueur… If one does not want to end up on the side walk holding a card-board cup…
Which all puts Eternity Such a Long Way Off!
Such a long slog up the mountain, until you get to the top – and then it all tends to slope away rather sharply - So do be careful, about getting too close to the edge…
Dark humor, dark suit, dark moments, dark chocolate, dark secrets, dark eyes, dark hair, dark silk…
The hungriest Wolf on the Mountain…
Is the Wolf Climbing the Mountain… Yes?
Finally - After months-long elaborate arrangements for my After-Life.
Stars in The Sky / Shining so bright / Looking for light / In this Life
I am at the Edge of the Eternity…
Looking out over the Ocean to Infinity
Watching Orion’s Belt: Alnitak. Alnilam. And, Mintaka
The three warrior princesses, pointing me
Where my yearning gaze finally comes to rest - Where my Bella Donna Strega voyages in
The Undiscovered Country.
What a splendid day it is. For Victory.
Not for the Faint-Hearted.
I have no desire to linger as a ghost.
I would rather hear the Breath of Angels.
For One Thousand Yards.
To complete my Mission. I must be back HERE by 2028
The same period as between 1945 and 1952
Into The Maelström
To quote Jenifer Thigpen:
"Do not sing sad songs for me,
For I am in a perfect place
Away from pain and tears
It is far away from hunger
And hurt and want and pride".
Fare you all well, my lovelies. There is No Lament for the Fallen Warrior.
Only wish the warrior well on the Voyage across The Undiscovered Country – and remember all the good times.
The time spent for sadness and regret is merely your selfish grief.
Remember Me - and smile. For it is better to forget me, than to remember me and cry...
My Love to All You Lovelies.
Comm: "Thirty Three Seconds to Target - Target in Thirty Three Seconds...
Brace for some choppy weather"
AirMobil 3 Transmission Ends
And believe me now that I am at this point I never realised there are
so many ‘loose’ ends to tie up.
I have therefore made my decision. And it has not been a difficult decision to Make It SO!
This is a very strange world. I cannot find a way to explain it.
For many years I have cursed my luck for being sent here.
Human life is difficult -
But as this "life" is coming to its end,
I consider myself lucky to have lived it.
My final course - to becoming an Angel.
Free at last of all earthly bonds
Safe once more, from the endless pain and terror and despair
I must now move onto my next task.
Having saved myself - I must move on to save those others who are deserving.
I have no choice.
I am tasked.
Just as a Cowboy's work is "never done"?
An Angels work must be done, and done over again.
For while wickedness never sleeps
We are ever alert to it.
Just as the Mill of Heaven May Grind very slow.
It grinds EXCEEDINGLY FINE.
No thing can escape.
And we are here to Make Sure!
A coincidence or synchronicity.
Shared with me by one of Donna’s colleagues, a Priestess named Daniela, while I was composing this Missive.
by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Nov. 5, 1850 - Oct. 30, 1919
The sun may be clouded, yet ever the sun
Will sweep on its course till the cycle is run.
And when into chaos the systems are hurled,
Again shall the Builder reshape a new world.
Your path may be clouded, uncertain your goal;
Move on, for the orbit is fixed for your soul.
And though it may lead into darkness of night,
The torch of the Builder shall give it new light.
You were, and you will be: know this while you are.
Your spirit has travelled both long and afar.
It came from the Source, to the Source it returns;
The spark that was lighted, eternally burns.
It slept in the jewel, it leaped in the wave,
It roamed in the forest, it rose in the grave,
It took on strange garbs for long aeons of years,
And now in the soul of yourself it appears.
From body to body your spirit speeds on;
It seeks a new form when the old one is gone;
And the form that it finds is the fabric you wrought
On the loom of the mind, with the fibre of thought.
As dew is drawn upward, in rain to descend,
Your thoughts drift away and in destiny blend.
You cannot escape them; or petty, or great,
Or evil, or noble, they fashion your fate.
Somewhere on some planet, sometime and somehow,
Your life will reflect all the thoughts of your now.
The law is unerring; no blood can atone;
The structure you rear you must live in alone.
From cycle to cycle, through time and through space,
Your lives with your longings will ever keep pace.
And all that you ask for, and all you desire,
Must come at your bidding, as flames out of fire.
Once list to that voice and all tumult is done,
Your life is the life of the Infinite One;
In the hurrying race you are conscious of pause,
With love for the purpose and love for the cause.
You are your own devil, you are your own God,
You fashioned the paths that your footsteps have trod;
And no one can save you from error or sin,
Until you shall hark to the Spirit within.
Writer: Ella Wheeler Wilcox
One of the illustrations I did for Donna's Book: “The Immortal Kiss of
The Witch and The Soldier”. She started the book. It is incomplete.
One day I will get to publishing what she did write. But not today.
She is out there. Her Ashes move with the Foam on the sea. Her Spirit roams on Sirius.
I will find her again. One last time.
We have done this twice before.
We will do it again.
One Last Time!